


how do i get to heaven?

by beifomg



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Angst with a Happy Ending, Choi Soobin-Centric, Crying, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Gen, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pets, Religion, Romance, Time Skips, tyunning if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:27:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26211883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beifomg/pseuds/beifomg
Summary: Soobin grows up, a son of God, and along with him so does Beomgyu, whom maybe Soobin begins to love too much.A story in which time skips abound and Soobin falls in love with Beomgyu no matter what.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu & Choi Soobin, Choi Beomgyu/Choi Soobin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 66





	how do i get to heaven?

**Author's Note:**

> hiiii. first of all, this fic has been bugging me since the former part of this year. so now it's here and it wants to say, "hello!"  
> secondly, this story is very personal to me, and i hope it happens to be a decent one hehe.  
> anyway! enjoy!!

Soobin is fourteen years old when Beomgyu walks through the church doors and into his life.

It's not as dramatic as Soobin likes to recount in his mind later on, but it might as well be because it's Beomgyu. Beomgyu, at age thirteen, seems very quiet and reticent on their first meeting at the church where Soobin's father pastors frequently. For the first few times they share the same space, Soobin's impression on Beomgyu is that he's quite introverted (not unlike him) and keeps to himself (not unlike him either).

On the first day, at least half an hour before fellowship begins, Soobin sits on a bench by the wall next to his friend Kai. They talk about some things and nothings - the snacks in Pastor Choi’s office, Soobin’s dog Sean, Kai wishing he had a dog and Soobin listing down the joys of having one and making Kai squirm with envy, the music Kai’s been listening to lately. Soobin yawns, suddenly feeling bored, and so does Kai. Soobin rubs his eyes, and when he drops his hands back to his lap he finds his gaze meeting that of another boy’s on the other side of the hall.

Not for long, though, because the boy, who is rather small but whom Soobin somehow figures is around his age, moves his own gaze away and bows his head to look at something seemingly very interesting on the floor. Soobin tilts his head and says to Kai, “Hey. I think we have a newcomer.”

Kai squints and exclaims, “Oh! Hyung, I know him!”

Soobin turns to him swiftly, asking in mild curiosity, “You do?”

Nodding, Kai continues with a delighted smile on his face, “Yep! Beomgyu-hyung is a class above me. A friend and I know him from Music Club. He’s new, but I think that’s obvious.” 

Soobin nods. And while Kai mutters to himself wondering how his same-age friend and neighbor Taehyun is doing this fine Sunday, Soobin makes his way to the other side of the hall where Beomgyu is sitting. 

Sensing someone is coming, Beomgyu looks up from his intriguing staring contest with the floor. He looks from the left to the right quickly, and when he realizes the boy nearing him is indeed about to say hi, he straightens his back and pushes his eyeglasses back up on the bridge of his nose.

Soobin is about to bow and wave hello when Kai squawks, “Wait for me!” and finds himself next to his Soobin hyung to greet his upperclassman. 

“Oh hi, hyung!” Kai bows his head in greeting, shy, toothy smile decorated with braces proving to be a very endearing sight. Beomgyu can’t help smiling at the same time Soobin does, and Soobin sees this and thinks, _Hey, he’s kinda cute._

Soobin laughs anyway, and introduces himself to Beomgyu. “Hi! I’m Soobin. We go to the same school too. Nice to meet you!”

Beomgyu smiles and chuckles. He says, rather quietly, “Hi, it’s nice to meet you too!”

Awkwardly standing there, Kai coughs and asks with a smile, “Hyung, may we sit here?” He gestures to the bench Beomgyu is seated on.

Beomgyu blinks twice and startles, as if he was just caught daydreaming. Soobin wants to laugh because, for some reason, he finds it adorable, but he hides it with a cough behind his hand. Beomgyu nods energetically, and for a second it looks like he’s a bobblehead. This time, Kai laughs out loud anyway. 

“Of course, of course!” Beomgyu answers, and Soobin thinks he looks a tad bit shy and sheepish, especially with how his hand darts to his nape and how his smile takes shape. But anyway, Kai and Soobin take a seat with Soobin ending up in the middle and the other two beside him.

“So,” starts Soobin, turning to Beomgyu, “This is your first Sunday here, right?” Kai turns to them, listening.

“Yes,” Beomgyu responds. Kai starts clapping and Soobin is about to turn to his friend when Beomgyu laughs, adding, “You guys are funny.”

“Really?” Kai exclaims at the same time Soobin asks, incredulous, “Us?”

Beomgyu laughs and Soobin feels his cheeks heat up for a reason he cannot pinpoint.

"Anyway!" Soobin claps his hands together once, and continues, "Welcome! That's my dad, the pastor too but, you know, first and foremost my dad." He lets out a chuckle, now gesturing to the tall, smiling man by the church doors, who now seems to be in deep conversation with a couple.

“Oh, really?” Beomgyu says and nods, “Cool, cool.” 

Chewing on his bottom lip, he adds, “Those are my parents, actually,” and points a finger at the two adults who happen to be conversing with Soobin’s father, Pastor Choi, himself. 

Just as Beomgyu says this, his parents begin walking in the boys' direction. Seeing this, Soobin and Kai are about to excuse themselves from the scene when Beomgyu's father shakes his head and exclaims, smiling, "Oh I see our Beomgyu has already made friends!" 

Beomgyu turns beet red at this, as Soobin and Kai introduce themselves to Beomgyu's parents. "Dad!"

Mrs. Choi smiles fondly at all three of them before her gaze lands on Beomgyu alone. "Your father and I forgot something important back home. We have thirty left until fellowship starts, so will it be okay if we go and come back quickly, dear?"

Beomgyu nods, saying yes, and when his parents leave the three boys are left to their own to look around and chat.

It turns out first impressions aren’t always reliable or long-lasting, and Beomgyu? Well, Beomgyu is quite the talker, Soobin and Kai find out quick enough. 

-

Soobin is fifteen years old when he and Kai visit Beomgyu’s home for the first time. There, he meets Beomgyu’s parrot, Toto. He also meets Yeonjun and Taehyun for the first time.

Giving each of them a hug, Beomgyu welcomes and ushers Soobin and Taehyun in, face bright with excitement and joy. Soobin wants to pinch his cheeks, but he keeps it to himself and pushes the thought away.

Kai tags along with Beomgyu to the kitchen to prepare some refreshments for the three of them. Soobin is left alone in Beomgyu’s room with his new friend, the mighty bird whom he’s only heard praises about.

“Oh my god.” Soobin inches closer, but not too close. He scans the bird in its cage, smiling at how it seems to look back at him with those black, almost quizzical-looking eyes. “Hello, Toto.”

“Isn’t he amazing?” a voice suddenly says behind him, almost too close for comfort. Soobin jumps and just about lets out a high-pitched scream. (He will deny he did such a thing later.)

In the doorway of his room, Beomgyu gasps almost theatrically, screeching, “Taehyun, you brought Aengdu?!”

Kai’s head pops to peek into the room beside Beomgyu. “Who’s Aengdu?”

There also appears to be another boy, with ear piercings and a smirk around a straw sipping on lemonade, who points a finger at the oh so tiny, caged, snake in the shorter stranger’s hands.

Beomgyu disappears back to the kitchen, quickly excusing himself to get the refreshments with Kai. 

“Uhhh..” Soobin coughs into a fist, afraid his ears are well on their way to turning vermilion, and faces the two new guys who have just interrupted his time with Toto. “Hi. Who are... you?”

“I’m Choi Yeonjun, it’s a pleasure to meet you!” The boy with the lemonade drink steps forward and offers his right hand to shake Soobin’s. Hesitantly, Soobin shakes it.

“Ah, I’m Soobin. Likewise.” Soobin chuckles, dimples appearing as if they want to introduce themselves too. He then turns to Taehyun. Not gonna lie, he’s taken aback with how this is all so sudden, and Beomgyu didn’t tell him he would be meeting new people, so he feels slightly abashed.

“Oh so this is _The_ Choi Soobin. I’m Kang Taehyun,” Taehyun remarks. Yeonjun almost chokes on his drink and elbows Taehyun in the side. Soobin can’t help quirking an eyebrow at this, but as he’s about to question why the reaction Kai and Beomgyu walk into the room with two trays of drinks.

They all settle down on the carpet floor. All of a sudden, Kai laughs, blurting out, “Soobin-hyung, you should’ve brought Sean with you.” He gestures to Aengdu and Toto in their cages. 

“Who’s Sean?” Taehyun asks. Beomgyu replies, “Soobin-hyung’s dog.” Taehyun’s lips form an O in surprise. 

They are all sipping on their iced drinks when Beomgyu stands up to fetch his bass guitar from its stand beside his study table. He begins strumming listlessly, disconnected melodies taking form in the space of Beomgyu’s slender fingers. But after a few moments, a tune starts to take shape. It’s a soothing sound, a song Soobin can’t recognize but nonetheless it makes him lightly sway side to side on his seat to the ground. He chances a glance at the other three sitting with them and finds Yeonjun and Kai nodding to the strumming of the guitar, while Taehyun hums. And Soobin isn’t sure why, but he feels for the first time that he belongs, even if he just met two of the people he’s with right now.

The song Beomgyu plays for a couple of blissful minutes finally comes to an end, prompting the four spectators to simultaneously clap in applause. Yeonjun perks up, asking, “Woah, Beomgyu, what song was that? I don’t think I’ve heard it before.”

“Oh, that was impromptu,” Beomgyu responds. With that, he winks. And a blush creeps up on Soobin’s cheeks, though he doesn’t realize it.

-

On his sixteenth birthday, Soobin comes to the realization that he might not be as straight as he thought he was.

And that, maybe, he likes Beomgyu in a way he totally did not expect. 

_What are you up to today, birthday boy Soobinie?_ Yeonjun texts their group chat at eight in the morning.

Lying on his stomach on his bed and fumbling with his phone, Soobin racks his brain for a good reply but comes up with not much.

 _Nothing, really. You know my parents are abroad for an emergency and my sis and bro are at college,_ Soobin sends.

Beomgyu sends a shocked face emoji, and so does Kai. Taehyun’s typing bubble appears as well as Yeonjun’s.

 _Can we come over? Is everyone game?_ messages Taehyun at the same time Yeonjun’s text comes in saying, _Let’s have fun at yours, Soobin._

A gracious smile finds its way on Soobin’s smile. _Sure._

The four arrive at Soobin’s house after lunch, on their bicycles, sweating from the humidity and the ride but nonetheless very happy to be there. The plan was to meet up at Soobin’s and decide what to do from there, but as the last person arrives, which is Taehyun, they find themselves stuck at home as rain starts to heavily pour.

Kai frowns, slotting his chin onto the palm of his hand. “Ah, I knew it was going to rain. It’s been humid all day.” He picks at a piece of lint on his jeans.

Soobin hums and switches the TV on, looking to see if anything interesting is on. A particular movie seems to pique his interest at last when Beomgyu jumps up from his seat, exclaiming in a voice so loud it could rival the thunder, “Let’s go bike in the rain!”

“Pass,” Yeonjun immediately says, and the others turn to him. “Last time I biked I fell and scratched my knee, so I’m still angry.”

Taehyun laughs. “Hyung, are you angry at the bike or angry at yourself?”

Frowning, Yeonjun grumbles mostly to himself, “Both.”

“Maybe you can just watch us?” Soobin interjects, finding Beomgyu’s idea not so bad. He hasn’t ridden his bike in the rain in eons, and he wants to have some fun, even if it means getting wet in the rain.

Yeonjun tilts his head like a puppy as he looks at Soobin, and maybe he can sense how excited Soobin is so he says, “Sure, of course,” accompanied by a soft smile.

The downpour is strong. Wind whips their hair around even though the rain has made it heavy and drenched. And Soobin thinks Beomgyu might be a little bit crazy for proposing they ride their bicycles in this weather, the rain making the ground slippery and with thunder and lightning in the sky. But Soobin has to admit - he likes this.

The street Soobin lives on is one long, straight line, and no one is out at the moment except all four of them, so there’s a lot of space to just roam and play. Now and then, Soobin and the other three wave their hands and holler at Yeonjun who’s watching by the door, leaning and snacking on some biscuits. 

Kai shrieks, “Catch me if you can, Taehyun-ah!” He looks like a madman, Soobin notes and laughs. Taehyun pedals hard to bike alongside Kai, and both of them scream like a pair of wild birds. For a moment, Soobin worries the neighbors will hear and complain, but the rain is heavy and hard on the roofs, so he doubts it.

“Yeonjun-hyung! Soobin-hyung!” Beomgyu calls both of them, wanting their eyes on him so that they can see…. “Look at what I can do!”

For the second time that day, Soobin thinks Beomgyu’s a bit crazy, because in the rain, on wet asphalt, Beomgyu spins on one wheel and proceeds to bike with no hands on the handles. Laughing, Yeonjun shouts in spite of himself, “Be careful, you idiot!”

Soobin claps in the rain because yes, he’s happy. And he looks at Beomgyu, and he thinks he’s silly and bordering on insanity. And perhaps he likes him. A little. Or, maybe a lot.

Oh.

_Oh._

And when the realization falls upon him, so does Beomgyu on the ground.

“Ah!” Beomgyu yelps, hand instantly reaching to touch his elbow and knee. Yeonjun and Soobin yell his name and dash towards him, helping him up. Taehyun and Kai return from the end of the street, seeing that something’s up. 

“What happened?” Kai and Taehyun ask at the same time. 

“Beomgyu fell.” Soobin beckons them back, feeling worried and sorry. “Everyone, let’s go back inside.”

They park their bicycles in the front yard, and when they’re in the patio, under a roof, they get a clear look on Beomgyu’s injuries. Luckily, they’re just a couple of scratches, but still. Beomgyu disinfects them, and the boys can hear him hiss at the sting from where he’s cleaning himself up first in the bathroom.

Beomgyu comes back, and Soobin can still see how genuine his smile is. He was expecting no smile from his friend, and yet it’s there and it’s in no way strained at all. Beomgyu sits on the vacant outdoor chair and lifts two thumbs up for all of them to see.

Taehyun snorts. Yeonjun sighs, but anyone can see how fond they are, still. Yeonjun remarks, “I told you to be careful.”

“Soobin-hyung,” mumbles Beomgyu. 

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry for getting hurt on your birthday.” And this time, his smile doesn’t reach up to his eyes. 

Soobin understands and thinks it’s no problem on his part, patting Beomgyu’s still-damp head. “It’s okay, I know you just wanted to impress me with your bicycle tricks, Beomgyu.”

Beomgyu sputters but doesn’t have a coherent comeback prepared. Neither of them see it, but Yeonjun, Kai, and Taehyun exchange looks of their own.

-

Soobin is seventeen when he begins to write. Just because.

He spends an entire weekend decluttering his room, putting aside what he obviously doesn’t need anymore, things such as test papers from three years ago and shoes that don’t fit him anymore no matter how much he forces it.

In the midst of cleaning his room up, he finds, settled at the bottom of one of his drawers, the leather-bound journal his uncle gave him for his birthday two years ago.

Its covers are all black, and the pages aren't lined at all. Soobin brings it with him to his mess of a study desk. He rifles around for a pen and says out loud, all alone, in the confines of his bedroom, "Today, I will write!"

And he does.

Just two short sentences: _Hello! I’m Choi Soobin!_

To be frank, Soobin feels all of a sudden compelled to write, but he's not so sure how to start. Are there rules to this? Any limits to what he should write? But then he very soon realizes, no, there are no limits, no rules. And he can write whatever he wants to.

So he writes about his siblings first, his sister and brother whom he texts almost everyday and yet still misses so much. Thinking about Sean and the plants he’s bought on the way home from school one day, he writes about how he takes care of them and details how funny he found Sean sniffing his new plants the day he brought them home. He writes down his thoughts about school, and how moving up a grade always seems disorienting at first but he gets used to it quickly thanks to the friendships he cultivates. 

After briefly mentioning some computer games he’s been playing and some he wants to download soon, he no longer doesn’t know what to write, though he still wants to. He thinks he could get used to the sight of ink on paper.

But then, he thinks about his friends. He thinks of Kai, whom he’s known ever since they were practically babies, their mothers having frequently met at a clinic before their birth. He feels thankful for their friendship that has already lasted this long, and so he writes about them. And soon he finds himself writing about his group, his chosen family. There’s Taehyun, with his huge eyes that always seem to sparkle with curiosity and whose wit Soobin can’t get enough of nowadays. Yeonjun, his hyung whose puns have been getting worse and worse and honestly, Soobin doesn’t mind although he does take the time to roll his eyes and give a hint of a smile once Yeonjun drops them from time to time. 

And then there’s Beomgyu, who’s really the chatterbox. Anyone close to Beomgyu would also know that he’s the warmest person around, friendly with a nurturing presence. He also has a laugh that makes Soobin’s stomach flip a hundred times around, a reassuring smile and voice that, when Soobin thinks about it, makes him feel safe in a world that sometimes scares him.

Soobin writes about love, then. He writes about how the sunset and sunrise remind him that the world doesn’t stop turning, and how that could be a sign God loves him enough to guide him through each day. He writes clumsy poems about how he loves his friends a whole bunch, how hanging out with them makes him feel free and untethered to life’s problems. And he writes specifically about Beomgyu too, whom he of course loves like a friend. But sometimes, Soobin wonders if the love he feels has taken its time to transform a bit. And this time, Soobin thinks maybe the answer is yes.

Closing the journal and inhaling deeply, he lets his head gently fall forward onto his table and thinks, _Ah, what do I do…._

-

Soobin is still seventeen when he receives a call from Beomgyu at around eight in the evening.

“Hyung, can I please come over?” Beomgyu asks over the phone, sounding clearly distraught even through the static sounds over the call. 

Knowing something’s wrong, Soobin answers, “Yes, of course.”

Beomgyu arrives at the speed of light. Soobin opens the front door to him, welcomed by the sight of his friend looking sad and deeply troubled. Soobin leads them to his room and quietly shuts the door. They sit on the foot of Soobin’s bed and before the words _What’s wrong?_ can leave Soobin’s mouth, tears are falling onto Beomgyu’s cheeks.

Soobin doesn’t know what to do, so he pulls Beomgyu into an embrace, giving him the tightest hug he could ever give anyone on this earth as Choi Soobin. He’s confused, and he doesn’t know what’s wrong, but he senses Beomgyu doesn’t really have the words. And neither does he. And so he does what he does best - he hugs. 

A few moments pass as they sit there in silence, just the old electric fan in Soobin’s room whirring as it turns. Shifting, Beomgyu sniffles and slowly retracts himself from Soobin’s arms.

“Idiot, why are you crying too?” Beomgyu asks, but it’s said in a light manner as he pushes at Soobin’s shoulder. Soobin can only laugh, not realizing he has been crying as well. Beomgyu laughs too, because he knows his Soobin-hyung cries when he sees someone cry. And the two look at each other and for one moment it’s silent, and in another they burst into laughter.

The thing about Beomgyu is that he keeps to himself a lot. Soobin knows this all too well. And maybe, sometimes, Beomgyu needs a good cry and laugh. It’s ironic how it all reminds Soobin he needs those as much as well.

They embrace each other one more time, and Soobin says, “I love you, Beomgyu. Hyung is just here.”

Beomgyu’s arms tighten around Soobin’s shoulders, and Soobin knows it’s going to be okay. “I love you too, Soobin-hyung.”

-

Soobin is eighteen when he worries more than usual. 

That’s not to imply that he’s never worried for a single moment in his life. In fact, Soobin can, just sometimes, be such a worrywart about school - Kai can testify to this, knows Soobin’s been worrying about college too. He worries, yes, but it usually does not take long for him to smooth over the frown on his own face and chuck all the negative thoughts out like trash. But nowadays, it’s been difficult.

Beomgyu and Kai come over while Taehyun is out on a weekend family trip and Yeonjun is busy at the dance studio. Recently, Beomgyu, Kai, and Soobin like to call themselves the “Holy Trinity.” While Soobin thought it was blasphemous at first and refused to accept the nickname for their trio, he’s begun to relax and laugh at it. What’s God going to do? Smite him?

And that’s the thing. Soobin does sometimes worry God will someday smite him.

Soobin knows God, has known God for almost all his life by now. The thing is, his father is a pastor. So you could say Soobin is a Christian with a capital C. And he knows the Holy Bible from start to finish. Soobin knows what God actually is and isn’t. He knows God loves everybody regardless of who they love and maybe even _because_ of who they love, and Soobin isn’t swayed by what others think.

But Soobin can’t also shake the feeling that something’s wrong with him. That what he’s feeling is wrong and sinful. As a matter of fact, he hates it, but hating it won’t make it go away. So he tries and tries to approach himself with compassion and hopes maybe the ache will someday fade away.

So while Soobin and Kai do their daily devotion in Beomgyu’s home, which their parents encourage them to do from time to time, Beomgyu practices a couple worship songs on his bass guitar. One of the guitarists at church had to leave for military service, and so the band has been looking for anyone who can play at least a couple of songs. That’s where Beomgyu comes in and saves the day. Soobin was helping with the refreshments after fellowship when he saw Beomgyu go up to the lead vocalist. Soobin could only smile to himself.

Writing into his devotional notebook for at least thirty minutes now, Soobin eventually tires himself, his take on a verse from the book of Corinthians half-written onto two and a half pages. Kai is still busy with his, and Beomgyu is in his own world strumming away to the tune of a newly released Hillsong Worship song, so he opts to mindlessly sift through his backpack. His fingers brush the already worn spine of his journal.

He pulls it out and lazily turns the pages, as if this isn’t his journal and he’s curious as to what’s written inside. He realizes, as he scans each page, his mind drifting from one place to another, that he writes and thinks a ton. Reading more closely, he also realizes that there are recurring themes in his entries. _School and church. Faith. Beomgyu._ Looking up hastily to where Beomgyu has his head down, looking attentively at his guitar as he strums, Soobin blushes. _He’s so cool_ , thinks Soobin.

All of a sudden though, Kai grabs Soobin’s arm. “Wha--” Soobin is about to say, when Beomgyu stops his strumming and looks up. Beomgyu asks, “Is everything okay?”

Kai says, awkwardly but with a smile nonetheless. “Excuse us, Beomgyu-hyung.”

“Um, o...kay?” Beomgyu replies, but Kai pulls Soobin out of the room and closes the door before he could finish his sentence.

Soobin offers Kai a bewildered look. “Kai, what?! I--”

“Soobin-hyung, when are you going to confess?”

Soobin is confused. Big time. “What? Confess what?”

Kai sighs, but there’s a hint of mischief there. Soobin is worried. “That you like Beomgyu-hyung,” whispers Kai.

Gulping, Soobin has no prepared response to this at all. He could deny his feelings, or pretend to be oblivious, but the longer he just stares at Kai with big, confounded eyes, he knows Kai knows he’s got nothing to say. Suddenly, Kai looks embarrassed. 

“Hyung, I’m sorry. Did I just--” 

“No, it’s okay,” Soobin says, after a sharp intake of breath. He waves it off. “Just-- Please don’t say anything to him.” 

The words might have come out sounding small, trembling and afraid, because Kai no longer looks playful and his hand is back on Soobin’s arm but this time it’s much more gentle and understanding.

“Of course, hyung,” Kai mutters back.

And they leave it at that.

-

A few weeks later, Soobin and Beomgyu fight for the first time.

It’s almost dinner time when Soobin gets off the phone with Beomgyu, and he can’t help the angry, frustrated tears from falling from his eyes the second he ends the call. It’s nothing, really - that’s what Soobin wants to tell himself. But this is mostly his fault because he’s been avoiding Beomgyu as much as he could. Soobin feels he’s stuck with these feelings and he doesn’t know what to do with them. He’s afraid they will someday blow up in his face, but he can’t really find a way out.

And Beomgyu has always been smart about these matters. He caught on and confronted Soobin over the phone, and Soobin could only stammer out the worst excuse he could ever come up with, which was, “Being with you confuses me.”

It wasn’t a lie. But it was also far from what Soobin had wanted to express. Beomgyu reacted the way Soobin would have reacted too - indignant and defensive. And maybe, confused as well.

There’s a knock on the door. Soobin’s mother pushes the door open. “Soobin? Dinner is ready. Are you--”

Soobin’s teary eyes meet hers, and she closes the door behind her and sits besides him, clutching his hands. 

“Honey? What’s wrong?”

"Mom," Soobin starts to say, voice cracking, attempting to again fight the welling of tears in his eyes. "Beomgyu…"

Concern flashes across his mother's face. "Did something happen to Beomgyu?"

"No, I just--" Soobin gulps down a sob. "We fought and I… I think…" 

"Oh darling, what happened?"

"It's stupid, I don't know. I--" Soobin inhales sharply, filling his lungs with as much air as he can. "I said something stupid. And I-- I like Beomgyu too much to--” He can’t complete the sentence, doesn’t know where he was going in the first place.

He lets himself fall into his mother’s arms and sobs.

"Ah my dear Soobin,” his mother says in a hushed tone, caressing the back of his head, “I’m sure Beomgyu still likes you, even if you two got in a fight.”

_That's the thing, Mom. I don't think Beomgyu would ever like me that way._

Overwhelmed with emotion, Soobin doesn't realize he says those words until he utters them. 

He jumps out of the circle of his mother’s arms and immediately searches his mother's eyes, half in panic and half in curiosity. He doesn’t know what he’s saying, and he’s afraid of his mother’s reaction. The fear and anxiety that’s been accumulating inside of him is reaching an all-time high. He wants to run out of the house and into the hills and never go back.

But then he painfully checks his mother’s face. And he finds there is only softness there. In her eyes, Soobin sees only gentleness and love. He sees himself.

And he falls back into her arms, crying harder than he has ever cried before. 

His mom has always understood, it turns out. And she ends up being right, though it will take Soobin and Beomgyu a while to see that through. 

And so Soobin is eighteen when he thinks his mom knows and is okay with it. And maybe, everything will be alright, too, Soobin keeps hoping.

-

Soobin is almost nineteen when, in church during fellowship, he opens his eyes in the middle of prayer.

His father leads the prayer, and everyone in the hall has their heads bowed low, listening, talking to God. But out of nowhere Soobin feels the need to open his eyes and look in a certain direction.

Beomgyu is in front, surrounded by his bandmates and their instruments. He's praying, hands clasped near his chest, a frown etched on his beautiful face. And Soobin-- Soobin thinks he might be a little in love.

He doesn’t know how long he stares, but when Beomgyu opens his eyes after saying _Amen_ , he instantly meets Soobin’s eyes. They look at each other, and an indescribable emotion blooms in the middle of Soobin’s chest. 

Beomgyu smiles at him. Soobin wants to be with him.

And today he will let him know.

-

They ride their bicycles to a safe and open field they’ve been frequenting, not that far from home but also far enough to say they’re out of reach. It’s only the two of them this afternoon, Yeonjun, Taehyun, and Kai choosing to visit the newly opened mall just a ten-minute bicycle ride away.

The late afternoon sunset lands on Beomgyu and Soobin’s skin and paints them with a shy, orange glow. The sun is finally on its gradual descent, finding its way down and out of their sight by the minute. They settle in their usual place, a bit far from the street, and together lay down a picnic tablecloth they borrowed from Beomgyu’s mother.

They do homework in silence on their bellies, Beomgyu now and then humming a tune to some pop song that’s been playing all week on the radio, something about horns sprouting from the singer’s head. Weird, but endearing, Soobin thinks. Stretching his arms, he yawns. Soon enough, he decides to give in and take a short break.

Pressing his phone open, something compels Soobin to open his Notes app. As he begins to scroll through it, he is halted by the second note – a poem he somewhat recalls typing the other night, too lazy to kick off his blankets and write into his journal. The weight of sleep muddles his memory, but as he presses on the note and begins to read it he faintly remembers more and more the feeling–-

_Title: Spring_

_The sight of your smile_

_The sound of your laugh_

_You call my name_

_And I hold back a sigh_

_Because_

_There is only you_

_And maybe has always been just you_

_Spring_

–-of deep yearning and, perhaps if you look close enough, love.

Heat rises to Soobin’s cheeks as something stirs deep inside him. The same longing and love blooms in his chest, and he knows that if he tries to suppress it this time, it would be like trying to stand still against a massive tidal wave. You can’t push back against nature. You just can’t.

It’s futile. Inevitable. And he doesn’t know what else to do with it but to surrender.

And, all of a sudden, a cough from Beomgyu surprises him and pulls him out of his thoughts.

Soobin jumps. “How long have you been this close?” he squeaks out, and suddenly his palms are sweaty. He wipes his hands on his jeans, clicking his phone close and putting it down beside his water bottle.

Beomgyu blinks, innocently, and his pretty smile tugs on his lips. Soobin does not want to look, will not look. His hand moves to his nape and ah, it’s hot. _Embarrassing._

“What’cha reading?” Beomgyu questions, turning for a moment to retrieve his backpack. He shoves his Math notebook in there along with the others and some crumpled pieces of paper – most likely a combination of scratch paper and a jumble of words that pop into his mind in the middle of class.

Beomgyu turns back and inclines his head to the side. Soobin realizes he hasn’t answered his question. “Oh nothing, just.. poems.” _Oh shit I should’ve lied and said something like, lists of anime I want to watch,_ Soobin thinks, his mind racing, clamoring for an excuse, _any._

A hand strikes Soobin’s shoulder. “Ow!”

“Hyung, you write poems? I know you write, but _poems?!_ I didn’t know! What the hell, show me!” Beomgyu’s eyes practically gleam in wonder and unbridled curiosity.

Soobin’s face flushes red and he is shriveling inside. He prays Beomgyu can’t see how hot his face feels. “N-no way. I mean, yes-- I do write but no way am I showing y--”

“Oh my God, are you inspired by someone? Is it Yeonjun? Taehyun?”

“No!”

“Kai! It must be Kai, right?”

“Oh God, no!”

“Then who is it?” Beomgyu presses, inching closer. His eyebrows knit together, a baffled expression on his face, puzzled as if he’s come across the most difficult part of a test. Soobin would think he looks cute like this if he weren’t interrogating him about his crush who turns out to be, well… him. 

It’s always been him.

Searching for an answer - any person, anyone but _him_ , maybe even a girl in his class or an upperclassman - Soobin might have spent too much time in his thoughts because then Beomgyu grabs ahold of his phone, jumps up, and bolts.

Soobin chases Beomgyu, screaming, “Hey! You--!!” and maybe Beomgyu slows down just so Soobin can catch up - he’s not sure. But now they’re running next to each other, feet pounding the ground relentlessly. Soobin doesn’t know whether it’s he or Beomgyu who starts shouting, but they do it - no care in the world even for just five seconds, ten, fifteen, forever. Shouting to, at, who - neither of them seem to know. They just shout, and soon enough Soobin’s voice cracks a little and Beomgyu laughs like a maniac and now Soobin is laughing too.

And they find themselves shouting and laughing with no care in the world, as if nothing and everything simultaneously is wrong in the world. Just maybe, it is.

Eventually, they begin to slow down. While neither of them are athletic, Beomgyu has always had the stronger legs, has always been the faster runner. And yet, he gets tired fast too. Soobin tries, always tries, to at least reach his side. Most of the time, it’s enough. With Beomgyu, a lot of what Soobin once deemed was too inadequate, now seems just right.

It makes his heart warm. Makes it jump into his throat so that he wants to shout everything out in glee.

They have slowed down, but for a while it felt like they could form wings from how fast they ran, felt like they would fly off the edge of the horizon that is now nowhere to be seen and just _soar_.

Beomgyu forgets he even has Soobin’s phone in his hand as he hunches over and places his palms on his knees like Soobin, gasping for breath. So Soobin darts for his phone and Beomgyu gives in, waving a hand to show he concedes.

It’s time for Beomgyu to yelp in pain as Soobin slaps a hand across his shoulder. “What was that for?” Soobin pants. His lungs are about to burst. That’s enough exercise for the week.

Beomgyu straightens up and gulps down a new breath of air. He lets his head fall back so he can scan the starry sky. Soobin follows where he looks, and it's a breathtaking sight, all right, but Soobin has always felt a more magnetic pull towards the boy beside him.

Soobin's features soften, a smile tickling the corners of his mouth as he heaves a big sigh and shoves Beomgyu's shoulder lightly. “You fool.”

As if in a trance, Beomgyu shakes his head and turns to Soobin, an eyebrow rising indignantly. "Look who's talking, idiot."

Soobin only snorts. "Let's go back home."

_Home._

The word falls off his tongue naturally, but to Soobin, when he thinks too much about it, it begins to feel alien. However, when he looks at Beomgyu and feels his warm, steady presence beside him, the word _home_ feels easy, light, untethered. Free.

Which is exactly how Beomgyu makes Soobin feel.

They walk back slowly, taking their time in the world. Time seems to move ever so slowly, and Soobin wonders. He wonders if Beomgyu can feel it too.

He wants to speak, but his lips feel sealed shut. Chancing a secretive glance towards Beomgyu, he quickly scans the other boy's face. But the thing is, Beomgyu can be quite expressive when he lets himself be, when he wants to. And now, well, he all of a sudden feels closed off. 

Naturally, Soobin worries. But he fights it and they continue to walk in silence, grasshopper crickets and the soft susurration of the wind their friendly accompaniments.

Their hands brush once, twice. The third time, Beomgyu grabs Soobin’s hand. It takes Soobin aback that he jolts, eyes widening in surprise. Beomgyu doesn’t seem to notice, or if he does then he ignores it. They don’t for once halt on their trek back.

Beomgyu threads their fingers together. Soobin wants to shout again, wants to run again and fly into the long-gone sun. He also wants to love the boy beside him. And he continues to wonder if he will let him and if Soobin himself will allow that love to flow and be.

But something shifts, and maybe neither of them feel it as it happens, as it is a subtle thing to fall back into the arms of love.

They stop at where they came from. Beomgyu squeezes Soobin's hand in his. Soobin looks to him, _at_ him, and he sees Beomgyu.

It's just like that, with the star seeming to fall in rivulets, surrounding Soobin and Beomgyu in a shower of light, that Soobin sees Beomgyu. He sees Beomgyu and the glimmer in his eyes. He panics for a half a second, worrying that his friend is about to tear up and cry. (Soobin doesn't like seeing Beomgyu cry, you know, but if Beomgyu needs to, Soobin will watch the tears fall and catch them before they land.) He panics, yes, but then the feeling goes away as fast as it came. Because Beomgyu is leaning in. And maybe Soobin would've panicked, should've stopped the trajectory of Beomgyu's lips. Maybe Soobin, in some other universe, would've run and hid. But Beomgyu leans and Soobin? He falls into him.

There is nothing but heaven and _Beomgyu Beomgyu Beomgyu_.

Summer will soon pass, and spring has long gone before it, but Beomgyu feels like a heavenly match between spring and summer. Spring, the birth of something new but familiar, flowers the color of the rainbow blossoming deep in the crevices of Soobin’s heart. Summer, heat that fills the atmosphere and every touch, hot but does not swelter, comfortable enough yet does not falter. And God? God would understand. Because Soobin knows God is love - encourages love and never hides it away - but at the same time he wishes he wouldn’t think about God right now. He tells himself he’s going to work on that. 

They part, and Soobin comes back in to leave a kiss on Beomgyu's forehead.

"Gross," says Beomgyu, faux crinkling his nose in pretend-disgust. A smile traces its way onto his lips, and a sparkle shimmers in his eyes as he adds, "Do it again.”

Soobin can only laugh out loud and comply.

Everything is going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! kudos are well-appreciated and your comment would mean the world to me! you can find me on twt at @soob5n.


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